I'm blue.
Christmas is a really hard time for me. I can feel the edges of my contentedness start to lift, curl up and retract during the week of Thanksgiving in the States, and once it gets going, the lifting, curling and retracting continue until I am no longer clothes in contentedness, but standing in my underwear in a swamp of sadness.
It's because I miss my family so much. I miss them all year long, but it hits hardest during the holidays. And for an American, or at least this American, the holiday season starts off slow with Halloween, picks up momentum until Thanksgiving, and then BANG, Black Friday, and the holidays are in full swing. Once Christmas is over, it slows, then rallies again for New Years and then fizzles out for another 11 months.
It's not like that in Australia.
For one, there's no Halloween (although, I do notice it making it's presence more, but don't think it will ever be huge.)
Two: there is no Thanksgiving (and why Australians seem to think that is bigger to Americans than Christmas, I'll never know).
Three: Christmas isn't as big in Australia as Easter is. At least from what I've seen. People LOSE THEIR MINDS at Easter, just like American's do at Christmas.
Four: And again, from my experiences, people here just do not like Christmas. It's deemed entirely too commercial, yet they hypocritically go out and buy things they can't afford to buy, for people they don't even like. My mother-in-law is, in my opinion, the poster child for this.
So.....I have a very hard time at this time of year. I made a good show the first few years. I really tried. I went all out. I thought if I just did what I'd always done, while ignoring that it was hot enough in the kitchen to cook the turkey without using the oven, I'd be able to fake it till I made it. It didn't work, and every year I've been a little less enthusiastic until last year. Last year, I didn't do ANYTHING for Christmas--no tree, no decorations, no Christmas cards, no special foods--primarily because I was so deep in the depression associated with the infertility. I couldn't muster up even the smallest grain of holiday spirit. It took all my energy to not slice open my wrists, so there was nothing left over for anything else. to make matters worse, my husband had to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but really, that actually worked to my advantage because it assisted me in not feeling even worse about NOT doing anything for Christmas.
But this year, I'm not feeling the infertility depression, just the general sadness of not have a REAL Christmas.
what is a REAL Christmas, you might ask. Well, it's not about gift exchange (although I freely admit to feeling like it's not Christmas if I have no one to buy and wrap anything for..gift wrapping is possible the only thing I am good at....and I don't care about getting anything myself. I just like gift giving.) A real Christmas is when you have other people to spend it with other than you and your spouse and the pets. Preferably family, but in their absence, friends. Even just getting together with other "orphans" (mining term for others who have no family nearby, and are stuck in town for whatever reason, usually work.) is better than just the 2 of you.
I know--that sounds really petty. There are a lot of people out there who would LOVE to have just one person to spend the holidays with. But my husband is a holiday grinch (not the same as someone who is melancholy, like me. A Grinch hates Christmas no matter how much the planets line up). Essentially the only thing he likes about a holiday is food, and the subsequent eating of the food. Something he does with aplomb every other day of the year, so the only thing that makes Christmas special with him is the type of food. Like turkey and trifle. 2 things that are only had twice a year: at Christmas and Easter. So........it's just another dinner, just the 2 of us, with fancier food. wooooo. Let me break out the party horns.
A REAL Christmas is also...........a COLD holiday. I realise that Australia is in the southern hemisphere and that in the southern hemisphere December is in the middle of summer. BUT, considering that it's never been anything other than hot in December here, why decorate with Santa Claus rugged up in his red velevet white fur trimmed suit? It's ridiculous. It flies in the face of the obvious. Even Santa has more seasonal wardrobe sense. I'd more expect to see him come in on a surfboard wearing his boardies and sunnies. And Christmas carols. I'll just say the obvious here as well: It's a little hard to sing "White Christmas" with any enthusiasm when you've got sweat running down your ass crack. Deck the Halls? Are you kidding? there are no bows of holly to be found anywhere. It's all dried up and dead! Frosty the Snowman? Please. He wouldn't even be a puddle; he'd be evaporation. Don't even suggest any religious carols, because only 1 in 100 people here worship anything, and it's usually Holden, Toyota, or Yamaha. And other than 12White Boomers, there ARE NO Aussie Christmas carols anyway.
Back to the deocrating: it's just too hot to put up decorations. Christmas decorations are cold weather themed. Just looking at them in the summer heat makes me feel faint. Most people I know say they can't bear the thought of eating ice cream in the winter, because they're already cold and the thought of eating something cold makes them shiver to the bone. Well, that's the way I feel about putting up Christmas decorations in Australia, only in reverse. The site of snowmen, Santa in his red get up, reindeer, and everything with a scarf and mittens on, makes me feel the heat even more. I start feeling like I can't breath, like the air is too hot and humid. Even a Christmas tree appears to radiate heat. (Maybe I should get a white flocked one and use just blue and white lights, for that "cooling" affect?) Who the hell wants to climb all over the roof putting up Christmas lights while simultaneously getting 2nd degree sunburn and blistered hands from the hot surfaces? And sorry, but Christmas lights at night just aren't as pretty if it's not cold, with everything at least covered with a thin layer of frost. It just looks like someone left them up all year and thought, what the hell? They're up, might as well turn 'em on.
Plus, again, it's just the 2 of us. We don't buy gifts for each other--what do you get someone who has everything, who can buy whatever they want, whenever they want? It's depressing to see a Christmas tree with nothing underneath it. In fact, it seems kind of pointless. And now that it's 19 December, it also seems a little late. All that trouble, just to take it down in a weeks time. I usually like to put the tree up on 13 December--the whole 12 Days of Christmas thing--and then leave it up until New Years Day, when we take it down in the afternoon. That way it's up about 3 weeks. That's long enough for me. A lot of people I know put that tree up the day after Thanksgiving. I get that. it's an American thing. Black Friday is the official start to the Christmas season. But like I said above, we don't have Thanksgiving here, and so it's a bit soon. Plus, it's hard enough keeping the tree intact for 3 weeks, much less 5. We have 2 cats. 2 cats + Christmas tree = broken ornaments, bent tree limbs, shredded garlands, rumpled up tree skirt, sparkly cat turds in the litter tray (they eat the tinsel....) and a stressed out Mrs. Couple who, after going through all the effort, likes her tree to look perfect throughout the holiday season.
So there you have it. My Blue Christmas spiel. I mostly think that if I'd been blessed with kids, I might feel differently. But I'll never know. Who knows, I might even feel worse.
I told my husband last night, that this was the last Christmas I'd spend in Australia. He thought I meant that I was going home, for good. I said no, I'm staying here, of course, but I'll be going home to Kentucky every year for Christmas from now on.
He can come with me, or stay here and have it with his family. Truth told, I think it would be better if we had Christmas with our respective families. We can each get what we love the most about the holiday, and then we've got each other the rest of the year. I'm here for Easter, which , as above, he's INSANE about, but that I've never been that hugely excited about (lapsed Catlick here).
Deck the Halls with bows of ...........aww forget it. I'm going to take a cool bath.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
About Me, Part 1
I don't believe it's wise to put your real name out there on the internet for the whole www to see....and potentially use for whatever they might us it for. So I'll just introduce myself as one 1/2 of a couple. And as such you can call me Mrs. Couple. My husband, I'll refer to as Mr. Couple.
I am an American expat living in Australia, and have done so for the past..**counts on fingers**.. 2,857 days, or 408 weeks and 1 day, or we could just simplify and say almost 8 years.
I met my husband online. Hey--don't laugh! Probably 1 out of every 5 couples I meet nowdays have met their spouse or partner that way. We'd both registerd on a singles site, that was North America based, but did allow for a few overseas countries, like Englad, Scotland, and Ireland. Also Germany, which wasn't surprising considering that we still have military personnel stationed over there. Almost every service man and woman I know has been stationed in Deutschland at some point.
One of the most interesting things in how we met, is that Australia was not one of the countries listed in the drop down boxes, but he'd managed to register anyway. When I did my search for guys with my critieria in my area, not much came up. So, I widened my criteria in the age category by allowing for guys within no more than 2 years younger than me, and left the location blank. And Mr. Couple's profile was the only one of the lot that "spoke" to me......until I saw he was located in Australia. Australia? I remember thinking, That's a bit far out of my reach. Talk about a long distance relationship. But something about him just kept pinging at me, and I could shake off the 'what if'.....
....which is the other really interesting thing about how we met. About a month before we met, my grandmother--during a conversation where I was wailing about my love life, or lack thereof, and she was doling out her usual Grandma's-endless-positive-spin-on-everything views--my Grandma said that my soul mate (actually she used the term 'true love' but I digress)was out there, somewhere, and that I'd meet him, when I was meant to. And that maybe I'd have to go halfway round the world to find him. Me, the endless pessimist, was all, Yeah yeah Grandma, if you say so. And I filed that suggestion in the back of my mind.
So when his profile came up and after I got past the distance factor, I remembered that conversation.
Now I must admit that I a believer in a lot of things. I believe in ghosts, spirits, poltergeists, and haunted houses. I believe in love at first sight (in person) and now I believe in love at first sound (more on that later). I believe that just because you can't prove something exists, doesn't mean that it doesn't--it just means you haven't found it yet. So.....I'm only mostly sure there aren't any unicorns.....but you never know and I keep an open mind about these things.
Another thing I believe is that some people can communicate with the dead, that some people can see "into the future" or have strong preminitions. I think the rest of us, have that too, but only in short bursts, and not that often. I think my Grandma must have had one of those bursts of clairvoiancy that day. And she didn't say I'd have to travel around the world to find Mr. Couple. She just said I might have to go around the world. And I believe I did, just through the internet.
But people see what they want to see, so who knows.
The point is, that struck me hard enough to make contact with Mr. Couple. First we exchanged a few emails. Then we did online chatting for a bit. Then we advance to telephone. And, for me anyway, it was love at first sound. I love his accent, but I loved his voice even more. We spoke on the phone every single day (night for me, mornig for him). He made the calls, because Australia has a GREAT international calling plan with Telstra, and I sent him money to cover the costs.
After a week, I'd decided I was going to Australia, and I knew I would never return home again, accept for holidays.
I landed in Melbourne, the morning of 14 February 2004. Yes, Valentines Day. That was NOT planned, but again, I think it's just fates way of putting it's 2 cents in. I'd just picked the first date that far enough away for me to pay off my bills and save up some money.
I came on a tourist visa, good for one year. I could come into Australia as many times as I wanted on that, but I could only stay for 3 months at a time.
Anyway, I arrived, and it was a little weird at first. It took a good 6 weeks to settle in, during which time there were some pretty intense moments, but that for later posts.
At the time he was a dairy farmer, and so I submerged myself into his lifestyle, which was completely different from what I knew, but I took to it like a duck to water. 3 months later, we decided to get married, and on 21 June 2003 we did, in an extremely modest ceremony, where I wore my sisters wedding dress from her failed first marriage, and he had a hired suit. It was the bare minimum of everything, but we had everything we needed, follwed by a fantastic backyard-BBQ-reception at his parents house.
People still say it was one of the best nights they ever had. My family--bar my mom--weren't there. It was short notice, nobody could arrange the time off to travel, and then of course there was the cost. My plan is for us to renew our vows on our 10th Anniversary in my home town in Kentucky.
In our 7+ years together, there have been a lot of ups and downs. In the early years, we struggled financially. At one point it was so bad, that we'd sold everything worth selling to pay the mortgage, and were probably not going to be able to pay the next month. His brother rocked up with bags of groceries, because we had nothing in the house, and no money to get anything. It was dire.
We chose to look for opportunities in the mining industry in Western Australia, prompted by a friend of Mr. Couple's who was doing really well. We swallowed our pride, and begged and borrowed enough money to finance Mr. Couple's trip to start work. And we never looked back.
Now, we're doing really well. Infertility aside, we've had a very good run.
This blog is not necessarily about infertility, but it's not NOT about it either--hence the title. I do believe that: that 2 is a couple and that 3 is a family. We are a couple. There are only 2 of us. We don't have children, so we are not a family, in that particular sense of the word. As in, we don't have our own family, made up between me and Mr. Couple.
My battle with infertility was a war that waged for 7 years, and it came to a head this past year, in the early part of 2010. This time last year, I was ready to put a gun in my mouth, actively planning my demise by my own hands because I couldn't bear it any longer.
But, amazingly enough, an incident happened, (future post) and I finally came through the worst of it, and now have mostly accepted that we won't be having any children. We are no longer trying, and no longer pursuing treatments--a whole other blog in itself really--and I have to say we are both much happier for it. I am no longer in the throws of depression over it, and we haven't fought or done much more than bicker since. I don't die a little more every time I see a baby in a pram at the shops. The pregnant woman with other kids in tow no longer cops a hateful glance and even more hateful thoughts. I dont feel hatred, bitterness, and rage against those who have children or fall pregnant.
Actually, I feel nothing, really, other than the odd fleeting moment of melancholy. It goes away as fast as it comes on. Maybe it's just flashbacks.
After so many years of bargaining, pleading, begging, and finally cursing God for not allowing me to have the only thing I ever really wanted, I no longer feel anything. Maybe relieved I am no longer in that prison? I've been given a reprieve, a second chance to create and have a happy life. I still think it's a shame that Mr. Couple and I won't ever be parents, but it is what it is, and I can't change it. We don't qualify for adoption--something that DOES still have a bitter taste that leaves me, well, not enraged, but really annoyed and disgruntled--and so there is nothig else to do but take advantage of the positives of not having children.
Anyway, I guess this is a longer post than I really intended. I should learn to temper my chatterbox-ness and learn to put together a decent story. But I guess that's what a blog is, right? A place to say what you want to say when you want to say it?
;)
I am an American expat living in Australia, and have done so for the past..**counts on fingers**.. 2,857 days, or 408 weeks and 1 day, or we could just simplify and say almost 8 years.
I met my husband online. Hey--don't laugh! Probably 1 out of every 5 couples I meet nowdays have met their spouse or partner that way. We'd both registerd on a singles site, that was North America based, but did allow for a few overseas countries, like Englad, Scotland, and Ireland. Also Germany, which wasn't surprising considering that we still have military personnel stationed over there. Almost every service man and woman I know has been stationed in Deutschland at some point.
One of the most interesting things in how we met, is that Australia was not one of the countries listed in the drop down boxes, but he'd managed to register anyway. When I did my search for guys with my critieria in my area, not much came up. So, I widened my criteria in the age category by allowing for guys within no more than 2 years younger than me, and left the location blank. And Mr. Couple's profile was the only one of the lot that "spoke" to me......until I saw he was located in Australia. Australia? I remember thinking, That's a bit far out of my reach. Talk about a long distance relationship. But something about him just kept pinging at me, and I could shake off the 'what if'.....
....which is the other really interesting thing about how we met. About a month before we met, my grandmother--during a conversation where I was wailing about my love life, or lack thereof, and she was doling out her usual Grandma's-endless-positive-spin-on-everything views--my Grandma said that my soul mate (actually she used the term 'true love' but I digress)was out there, somewhere, and that I'd meet him, when I was meant to. And that maybe I'd have to go halfway round the world to find him. Me, the endless pessimist, was all, Yeah yeah Grandma, if you say so. And I filed that suggestion in the back of my mind.
So when his profile came up and after I got past the distance factor, I remembered that conversation.
Now I must admit that I a believer in a lot of things. I believe in ghosts, spirits, poltergeists, and haunted houses. I believe in love at first sight (in person) and now I believe in love at first sound (more on that later). I believe that just because you can't prove something exists, doesn't mean that it doesn't--it just means you haven't found it yet. So.....I'm only mostly sure there aren't any unicorns.....but you never know and I keep an open mind about these things.
Another thing I believe is that some people can communicate with the dead, that some people can see "into the future" or have strong preminitions. I think the rest of us, have that too, but only in short bursts, and not that often. I think my Grandma must have had one of those bursts of clairvoiancy that day. And she didn't say I'd have to travel around the world to find Mr. Couple. She just said I might have to go around the world. And I believe I did, just through the internet.
But people see what they want to see, so who knows.
The point is, that struck me hard enough to make contact with Mr. Couple. First we exchanged a few emails. Then we did online chatting for a bit. Then we advance to telephone. And, for me anyway, it was love at first sound. I love his accent, but I loved his voice even more. We spoke on the phone every single day (night for me, mornig for him). He made the calls, because Australia has a GREAT international calling plan with Telstra, and I sent him money to cover the costs.
After a week, I'd decided I was going to Australia, and I knew I would never return home again, accept for holidays.
I landed in Melbourne, the morning of 14 February 2004. Yes, Valentines Day. That was NOT planned, but again, I think it's just fates way of putting it's 2 cents in. I'd just picked the first date that far enough away for me to pay off my bills and save up some money.
I came on a tourist visa, good for one year. I could come into Australia as many times as I wanted on that, but I could only stay for 3 months at a time.
Anyway, I arrived, and it was a little weird at first. It took a good 6 weeks to settle in, during which time there were some pretty intense moments, but that for later posts.
At the time he was a dairy farmer, and so I submerged myself into his lifestyle, which was completely different from what I knew, but I took to it like a duck to water. 3 months later, we decided to get married, and on 21 June 2003 we did, in an extremely modest ceremony, where I wore my sisters wedding dress from her failed first marriage, and he had a hired suit. It was the bare minimum of everything, but we had everything we needed, follwed by a fantastic backyard-BBQ-reception at his parents house.
People still say it was one of the best nights they ever had. My family--bar my mom--weren't there. It was short notice, nobody could arrange the time off to travel, and then of course there was the cost. My plan is for us to renew our vows on our 10th Anniversary in my home town in Kentucky.
In our 7+ years together, there have been a lot of ups and downs. In the early years, we struggled financially. At one point it was so bad, that we'd sold everything worth selling to pay the mortgage, and were probably not going to be able to pay the next month. His brother rocked up with bags of groceries, because we had nothing in the house, and no money to get anything. It was dire.
We chose to look for opportunities in the mining industry in Western Australia, prompted by a friend of Mr. Couple's who was doing really well. We swallowed our pride, and begged and borrowed enough money to finance Mr. Couple's trip to start work. And we never looked back.
Now, we're doing really well. Infertility aside, we've had a very good run.
This blog is not necessarily about infertility, but it's not NOT about it either--hence the title. I do believe that: that 2 is a couple and that 3 is a family. We are a couple. There are only 2 of us. We don't have children, so we are not a family, in that particular sense of the word. As in, we don't have our own family, made up between me and Mr. Couple.
My battle with infertility was a war that waged for 7 years, and it came to a head this past year, in the early part of 2010. This time last year, I was ready to put a gun in my mouth, actively planning my demise by my own hands because I couldn't bear it any longer.
But, amazingly enough, an incident happened, (future post) and I finally came through the worst of it, and now have mostly accepted that we won't be having any children. We are no longer trying, and no longer pursuing treatments--a whole other blog in itself really--and I have to say we are both much happier for it. I am no longer in the throws of depression over it, and we haven't fought or done much more than bicker since. I don't die a little more every time I see a baby in a pram at the shops. The pregnant woman with other kids in tow no longer cops a hateful glance and even more hateful thoughts. I dont feel hatred, bitterness, and rage against those who have children or fall pregnant.
Actually, I feel nothing, really, other than the odd fleeting moment of melancholy. It goes away as fast as it comes on. Maybe it's just flashbacks.
After so many years of bargaining, pleading, begging, and finally cursing God for not allowing me to have the only thing I ever really wanted, I no longer feel anything. Maybe relieved I am no longer in that prison? I've been given a reprieve, a second chance to create and have a happy life. I still think it's a shame that Mr. Couple and I won't ever be parents, but it is what it is, and I can't change it. We don't qualify for adoption--something that DOES still have a bitter taste that leaves me, well, not enraged, but really annoyed and disgruntled--and so there is nothig else to do but take advantage of the positives of not having children.
Anyway, I guess this is a longer post than I really intended. I should learn to temper my chatterbox-ness and learn to put together a decent story. But I guess that's what a blog is, right? A place to say what you want to say when you want to say it?
;)
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